Blog: Compliment not complicate.

NEW YEAR, NEW YOU, NEW RELATIONSHIP.

 Compliment not complicate.

Here we are again, New Year, so I don’t want to sound cliché, I don’t want to press home let’s do New Year resolutions, I know I would lose interest, so what do I want to say?

I want to talk about what is really possible, I want to talk about why we stay in the same place, same relationship problems, whether single or in a partnerships, why do we not make a difference in our lives?

We are all busy, kids, work, family, lots of distractions. I’m going to ask you to take a minute and just sit and be, now think about your intimate or lack of relationship/s, how is it? Is it good? Is it fun? What is missing from it? Are you fulfilled? Are you happy?

Why do we accept less than we want and deserve in our relationships? Well I believe and my experience tells me we make 3 fundamental mistakes in our expectations of relationships.

Mistake 1: My partner should make me happy.

It is not your partners role, if you believe another person is going to change your world and that they are going to make happiness happen for you, sadly you will be disappointed. So when we meet someone that wonderful, giddy feeling we have is about the newness of meeting a potential life partner, it’s all our hormones kicking in, life is beautiful, it’s an amazing feeling, the flushes of the beginning of a relationship. So why does this not last? Because life gets in the way, reality sets in. So here we now start to evaluate the relationship, and our internal dialogue sets to work.

If you entered this relationship with a belief, they make me happy, it is likely your dialogue will now question this, because you don’t feel happy now, the euphoria has diminished, it is likely you will now begin to pull away, it is now you will likely begin the process of ending the relationship, it is here, you are likely to being the dialogue of relationships don’t work, I’m better off on my own, until the next time and you do it all again.

But why? Well because we entered the relationship believing this complete stranger had a job, they didn’t know they had this job, only we did, we didn’t give them a job description or tell them how to do the job, we just expected they should know!

So for the first while you and the stranger are getting to know how things may work, it feels fun, but then things change, family, kids, friends work general life stuff, and this strangers job role just got serious, only they didn’t know, you did, you didn’t tell them, you expected them to know, when they don’t, you discard them and tell them you’re not up to the job, thank you for your interest but I have to let you go!!!

Happiness is your job, no one can have that job, you cannot give the job to anyone else, if we keep trying to hand the role to someone else we will always 100% always fail.

Your partner should complement you not complicate you.

Mistake 2: Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Being with another is a risk, it is scary it is wonderful but it is scary. We are going to be vulnerable, we are going to open up, let another person see our most private and intimate parts of our bodies, our minds and our thoughts.

If we are damaged, we enter with an agenda of mistrust, if we mistrust we will never feel able to be vulnerable, open and honest, if we guard part of us, we are keeping our partners out of our lives, this creates cracks in our relationship.

We could be always looking for why we should not trust, we may create the very thing we are scared of, through jealousy, pushing our partner, with questions, accusations, and possessiveness.

Your partner is not responsible for making you secure, that is your job, you cannot give them that job. If we keep trying to hand the role to someone else we will always 100% always fail.

Your partner should complement you not complicate you.

Mistake 3: A belief that sex will just happen.

Why do we believe that “this” partner will be the one to make me want to have sex all the time?

Why? Why do we have an expectation that we should be having sex all the time, and if we are not we are somehow not good enough.

So if this new partner doesn’t make me feel like having sex all the time, somehow they are inadequate.

It’s my experience that this “all the time” expectation simply does not happen, sure the media and other social outlets would have us believe everyone is at it, and if we are not we are inadequate, it’s simply not true.

However what I do know, sexual intimacy is more than just the act, and it’s the intimacy of laying together, reading, or talking about your day. It’s about watching TV, cuddling, it’s about the smallest of things that are beautiful and profound. Running a bath for your partner, making your partner a cup of tea in the morning.

Being intimate with your partner is so much more than having sex, being intimate is all day, it’s little text that say “Hi, I love you” randomly through the day, try it, it’s so powerful.

Your partner should complement you not complicate you.

So there we have it 3 mistakes, that complicate us, that destroys our relationships, why not give this some thought, consider your past or present relationship. Are these stumbling blocks you recognize? If they are change it, we can’t change what we don’t see, if we now see it, we can change it.

Ask yourself, do I compliment or complicate? If you want successful relationships you need to be honest with who you are and what you bring to the table.

Remember you are your job, you cannot hand that job to anyone else if we keep trying to hand the role to someone else we will always 100% always fail.

Call me, 07539738191

Email: marytaaron@brentwoodcounselling.co.uk